AliCat

drowningpoetry

and i am learning that it is okay. its okay to cope poorly at times. its okay to grieve. its okay to ache and shatter and scream and beg god to take away your pain. its okay to so badly want to crawl out of your own fucking skin, because sometimes the very thing that ensures you life is the thing youd like to escape the most, especially after its been so badly mistreated that all you can feel is the bruising on your bones and the pain that wont stop creeping in, no matter how many times you attempt to push it out. i ache and ache and ache and i know now that there is no fault in feeling this way. so many times i have wished away my pain, closed my eyes and shoved it into the darkest corner of my mind, not caring how bad it makes me bleed when i lock it away because at least its not in the front of my mind anymore. hurting is a painful process. dressing your wounds is never fun and often times cleaning out your wound hurts more than the wound itself originally did but it is so mandatory to remain caring towards yourself, especially in times of such heartache. and this, i am learning. so maybe right now i flinch away everyone attempts to touch me and i have nightmares of the hands that held the blade that traced along my spine, daunting me, telling me that he had the power to make me paralyzed and that i could do nothing about it because i forfeited my power to him. maybe i handed you the knife, but it still didnt give you the right to fucking stab me. i never wanted to become a lonely corpse amid my own bloodbath but here i am- living among my very own destruction. there are blood bags sitting in the corner of this dark room im trapped in and slowly im mustering up enough strength to crawl towards them and fill myself back up with the fuel that i need to survive. i am getting there. so maybe you bled me dry and maybe i begged you to and craved to see the blood drain out of me and into your bloodthirsty mouth, but i am no longer the same girl i was when i met you. i am not dying to please you. i do not ache to save you because i know that you are merely a villain disguised as a hero in attempts to lure in the healing souls. because of your cruelty, i am now resilient. i am now filling myself back up. i am now fighting for my goddamn life because i finally know how to fucking claim it. // you destroyed me, but i am building myself up higher than you have ever seen. your toxicity was the death of me but i am reborn and soon, i will thrive.

whothefuckiscas

Please, consider the following:

8x07, Cas told Dean he planned to stay locked in purgatory forever because he didn’t think he deserved to be out.
8x08, Cas revealed he was afraid he might kill himself.
8x23 Dean asks Cas if the angels will kill him once Cas is trapped in Heaven with them. Cas says “yeah, they might”, but isn’t bothered.
9x03, Cas went through inexplicable trauma and then got thrown out by his family of choice with no explanation.
9x06, an angel who killed suicidal people came after Cas because Cas’s soul was ‘screaming’.
9x23, Hannah warned Castiel that he would die if he didn’t replenish his grace. He never even tried.
10x01, Crowley had to force a grace down Cas’s gullet. He only took it so he could get to Dean in time and save him.
10x22, Cas allowed himself to be beaten down and didn’t make a move to defend himself even when Dean threatened him with an angel blade.

What do all these have in common? These are times the show has shown us that Cas feels unappreciated and raised concern about Cas’s mental state. These are ALSO moments that have never been addressed or even alluded to again. This previous episode did indeed show that Cas once more feels expendable, worthless, and unappreciated (and likely suicidal, or at least very willing to die), but it is just another in a very, very long string of incidents that will ultimately go nowhere. Most likely, the show is setting this up as One More Stupid Mistake Cas Made and the narrative focus will be on the poor, poor Winchesters who have to suffer for it. This is not setting up an arc that validates Cas’s character and acknowledges his suffering. Castiel’s suffering will once more be swept under the rug in favor of Winchester bro manpain and fake-ass heroism.

angels-dream-of-electric-sheep

For the first time ever I’m actually gonna defend the writers. Believe me, I’m shocked as well. I think they really are setting up a resolution for Cas’ bad mental state. The whole of the last episode was predominantly spelling out for the audience just how the Winchesters have lost their way. It’s now not something you need to have paid close attention to to understand. They aren’t the heroes anymore. Even according to Lucifer. Even a casual viewer will have the complete sense that the “saving people, hunting things” moto has now been ringing false for a while. Do I think Cas’ suffering will be used as a vehicle to explore that rather than just something about his own character development? Yes. But. The ultimate and perhaps deceptively obvious resolution is that the season ends with the brothers realising the error of their ways and instead start caring for those that have fallen victim to their codependency, in this case that’s Cas. For that to be a truly satisfying ending Cas will have to be noticeably in a better place than where he started. We’ve never really had Cas’ mental state as a plot that directly ties in with the Winchesters’ own arc. That season 8 reveal seemed more about showing the audience just how much power Naomi had over Cas by forcing him back to heaven when he so dramatically did not want to return than highlighting how fucked up Cas actually is. This time, the show has shown Cas’ depression and PTSD not just as a contrast to demonstrate the actions of others but instead as a sympathetic motivation for his deal with the devil. Moreover, they’ve also linked it directly with the over arching theme of the season. I don’t think it’ll be all sunshine and rainbows but I do definitely think plots concerning Cas the season will be followed through. So I’m optimistic for the first time in a long time and praying I don’t get let down again.

slayerangels

Well, I’d like to think that those moments were leading up to this moment. I don’t really give the writers that much credit but it is logical. I mean, Cas wouldn’t fall to pieces just because he was beat up by Dean or just because a couple idiots told him he was expendable. I do think it is meant for us to realize that Cas has been beaten down and used for a long time now and this is the culmination of all those moments put together and MAYBE this will finally be when they resolve that.

bluestar86

I have to agree with the additions here.

After being burned so much on this show, it can be very difficult to give these writers credit. Not addressing issues such as Castiel’s suicidal tendencies is a huge deal for most of us. But there are also a lot of other things that don’t get addressed either. Like the fact that Dean has been kinda abusive to Sam, like the fact that Sam has experienced major trauma over the years surrounding possession and some seriously nasty rape metaphors, like the fact that both brothers are basically serial killers.

The writers tend to hint at things, but never explore them deeply because if it goes too deep this becomes a much darker and heavier show than it is. (I know that supernatural can be dark but its not exactly some HBO style twisted drama that heavily explores these issues.)

I do want to give the writers some credit here however, I think that Carver has had a plan in mind for his story structure since he took over, yes it has probably adapted and changed a great deal since the start, but as far as Cas is concerned, I’m convinced that his storyline was always getting him to question himself and where he belongs and what his future should be. Carver has always been a Cas fan. He’s not Bucklemming guys. He’s not planning some nasty death for Castiel where he just gets shoved in a bathtub like our dear Charlie. (which he KNOWS was a mistake).

Castiel has been in a strange sort of limbo for a while now, somewhere between angel and human, he has had so many questions thrown in his direction that haven’t been answered, and he isn’t sure himself where he fits in, he isn’t sure if Dean and Sam even really want him at the moment (even though it has been explicitly stated in text by Dean that Castiel is needed - not as a tool or a powerful ally - just as himself.)

Everything that Castiel has struggled with has in some way now lead to this moment, whether this was always Carver’s plan or not we don’t know. I DO think that it is Carver’s plan to have Cas permanently human by the end of it all, but the lack of resolution to all of Castiel’s struggles is most likely due to the fact that by resolving one of them, you are resolving all of them.

By that I mean, having Castiel accept that he is meant to be with the Winchester’s and that he is worthy and strong and loved and have Dean accept him with open arms. (which frankly wouldn’t be so great for the plot lines or the drama)

The beating down of Cas in the last episode was so strong and so obvious that the resolution has to be to counter those thoughts, to counter all that was said to him.

We are just starting a major storyline where the number one Winchester goal is save Castiel. Even if the writers don’t do a fantastic job of addressing these issues, I reckon they will at least attempt to address them in a way that makes it clear in the main text that Cas is loved and important and not in any way expendable. I’m just as bitter as you guys at Cas’ treatment, but I can honestly see some light on the horizon here.

If I’m totally wrong I give you permission to come into my inbox and moan at me for it. I’ll be so pissed off myself I’ll happily join in with your rants.

charlie-minion

Reblogging for all the additional comments to the OP. I agree with all of you and I’m reading the narrative in the exact same way. Let’s keep our fingers crossed!

alicat432

Im gonna cry

AliCat

See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

this blog is pro black hermione